Thoughts on Blogging

I've thought so many times, about what to do with this blog.
For one year now, I have let this blog sit.
I think I have made one or two posts but that has been it. And for the most part, they are crappy posts. Posts that I don't want to delete but don't want to have on here. Can't I just make them private?
I actually started another blog ... www.TheArtOfBeingAStepMom.blogspot.com ... but I haven't posted anything there yet. So you can save youself the time and you don't even have to go over there.
Who knows what I'll end up doing. Maybe one day, I'll get my act together and let people back into my life.

Confessions

I have definitely been neglecting my blog ... for all really "good" reasons. I keep thinking of things to write and different things to do or I talk myself out of it and just go to bed.

Tonight though ... I have a lot on my mind and I feel that the only way to sort thru this all is to write. So even though I don't have hardly any readers on this blog anymore, especially since I haven't blogged on it since March, I hope that this post might help someone in a new relationship and know what NOT to do.

I have had a problem. There is no one to blame except for me. I could try blaming my parents, or because my Mom didn't breast feed me long enough (I'm kidding Mom), or the moon's alignment and the tides, but all of those are still more reasons and irrelevant.

When I met Scott, 3 years ago, I was in a horrible position financially. And the only people who I knew that really knew about it were my parents and maybe my brother. The only reason why I really let my parents know about it was because my Dad was on my bank accounts with me and he would see what was going on with them every time he logged into WellsFargo.com. I spent every cent that I ever made and then some. It cost me a lot financially. And it cost my parents a lot financially also. This was a position I was very ashamed of. I really wanted to portray to everyone that I could do this thing called finances on my own. Even though, I really was failing at it horribly.

When Scott and I got serious, he like any other guy that I had dated, asked me how much I made. I told him I made $75000 the last year. I might have made $75000 since I was 18 years old. I admit that this was a lie to get him impressed by me. For him to think that I was actually a hard working person and had my life in order for only being 24 years old. And I never thought that the relationship would ever work out. But again, those are all excuses and irrelevant. And one of my first mistakes.

Fast forward a year and a half later, we are married and fresh back from our honeymoon. And really that is where the honeymoon ends. I come to a fast reality that I can not keep my finances from my new husband. So I start to tell him some of my financial problems and the Credit Card debt that I have. I tell him I can not keep my bank account in order. We talk about all of my overdraft fee's, he tells me once that he never wants to see those again. And I chose to not listen to him. I again start spending way to much money and again go into the negative with overdraft charges. He again finds out about them and tells me to never go into the negative again. I again do it. This time though, I remember it. It was because I went to Old Navy and bought him a few shirts for Father's Day in 2008. Because of that choice I went in to the negative again and had overdraft fee's. Those $10 or $15 dollar shirts ended up costing me like $100 or more dollars. He said that the best Father's Day gift I could ever give him would be to never have overdraft fee's again. And the honest truth is that I haven't had one since July of 2008.

As for the debt though, when we first had that discussion, I chose to only tell him some of the debt. When we got married, I had 3 credit cards. Two Wells Fargo cards that were totally max'd out and a Capital one that maybe had $500's on it. Since the Capital One card didn't have that much I owed on it, I figured that I won't tell him about that one. I could pay that one off without him knowing. And that wouldn't look as mad because I was only confessing I had 2 credit cards and not 3. When we were going thru my online statement, he saw that I had made a payment to Capital One and asked why. Now he finds out even more lies because I have now hid that one from him.

With all of these lies, I have to think of him as a Saint for not kicking me to the curb on the first or second time around. He is such an amazing man and here he is thinking he has married someone just as hard working as he is and in reality he find out I am totally the opposite.

Landmark tells you that you create your life. I created this life and it is not the life that I want. When I was little, I thought that the first year of marriage would be all this fun and games with love and creating a home together. Except, mine isn't all fun and games. I go to work and work hard to bring a paycheck home. I do something that I enjoy but it isn't my passion. I do it because right now, I know I can't make as much money in my passion as I am making right now. And the money I am making right now is going to pay off my bills. They are all burdens in my life. They are big rocks that are keeping me from doing things and having things I really want to have in my life.

Lying is the thing I am the most ashamed about and I did it because I didn't want to look bad. Now I look bad and I have lost my husbands trust. Talking tonight to Scott, he asked me how he will know when he can trust me again. My normal reaction to that would have been, well you can trust me now. And in the past there was still more "stuff" out there that was hiding. Its funny though, I don't know how to answer him when there really is no more "stuff" out there. Everything has been revealed.

One Year and Counting!

To my Amazing Husband,

Just about every night for the last year, after dinner, after the dishes are done, after Sam is in bed and sleeping soundly, you and I go into the den and we get caught up on each other's day, while both of us finish up on the last minute things that we needed to finish before we officially retire for the evening. This is one of my favorite times of the day. You share with me the latest things you are working on, the newest code you have just learned, the problems you encountered with the newest code and about the broken and fixed "things" you encountered that day. I share with you about the people that I dealt with that day, the good, the bad and the stinky. We talk about our plans for new vacations, what we have going on for the next day. And we give each other little words of encouragement when we have stumbled upon a problem.

I'd be lying if I told you that I knew everything you told me. But in the moments that you are telling me about you needing to have put the "abort" in another place, or that you are concerned that the script isn't running the way it should be, or not putting that closing tag in the right spot ... me not knowing what you are talking about doesn't matter to me. Listening to your excitement and joy is enough for me to remember exactly why I married you, one year ago.

You are an amazing man. I have no idea how you do exactly what you do, but everyday you absolutely inspire me, in every aspect of my life. Your spirit, your drive, you love of life is incredible. Everyday I wish that I could just have an ounce of what you have. You are my inspiration and my hero.

Thank You for the amazing 1st year of marriage. I'm so excited about the many years ahead of us. I love you my Handsome Man!

Just want to forget the whole day ever happened.

So there are about 5 days out of the month, where I just wish that I could just go hide in the mountains ... alone. Because I know that nothing good will ever come out of these 5 days. And usually I'm right (because I create it to be that way), and I'm right because I have just proven that no one wants to be with me. And even though in my non-emotional brain, this is so far from the truth and even laughable, it still lives like it is very true to me in my emotional PMS brain. grrrr ...

Right now, I am in the emotional PMS brain, where I really wish that I could have gone up into the mountains and hid out until my non-emotional brain comes back out from hiding but I chose not to do that and instead decided that I really just wanted to pick a nasty fight with my husband. (sorry babe, I really am sorry) I hate these fights, I end up feeling smaller than an ant because I've just dug myself into a huge hole and so ashamed. And I have to go back to him and tell him that I'm a PMSing trying to think from a very emotional cloudy brain woman, which wasn't working at all.

The thing is, I keep wondering if this is just me that happens to. If I am the only crazy woman for 5-7 days out of the month. If it is just my husband that has to listen to the rants 5-7 days out of the month. Or if there has been anyone else who has ever experienced this and how in the heck do you deal with it? How do you keep your husband from feeling like he wants to totally get rid of you during those 5-7 days out of the month? I am totally frustrated and ashamed now.

I suck at writing

So I remember sitting at my in laws New Years Day, and I was thinking to myself that one of the things I really want to do this year is to start blogging more. And now I look down and it is already the 22nd of January and I have yet to post one thing at all. And yes ... I have all the excuses in the world, but none of them really matter. So I'm not even going to begin to start naming them off.

I guess to just start a new. This year has gotten off to a very busy start. We have started to pick up the pieces of projects that we started a whole year ago and haven't finished ... oh like the basement. Nothing has really been done, but there has been many talks about what we are going to do with the basement.

We have started our weekly ritual of skiing every Sunday after Church. Its been actually a lot of fun. Sam has just started to take off and ski like a pro.

Working at the bank has gone really well. Last night I took the Notary test. I'm pretty sure that I passed, but I'll find out within 7 days. I'm really not going to talk much about my work ... so if you want to know ... just ask me.

Well ... I'm going to wrap a few things up tonight and then head to bed.

Hope everyone has been doing well and I look forward to getting in touch with you. Check back often ... now.

Bummer ... Cookies

So, I'm in need of some baking advice from anyone out there who knows the ins and outs of baking cookies better than I do.

In the past, I've baked these Ginger Cookies that have turned out really good and fluffy. This year, I have tried making them again and both times I have tried making them, they have turned out really flat. They still taste really good but they are totally flat. And I just don't know too much about baking to adjust the recipe accordingly. Any suggestions?

Out Shooting

I have way been slacking on writing on here. And today I have been trying to get caught up on different things, which one of them way cleaning off my SD card of my camera, when I remembered that a few weeks ago, we had gone out past Saratoga Springs, Utah, with some friends to go shooting.

It was actually really a lot of fun. I had forgotten how much fun I liked going out and target shooting. Even though I am not at all the best shot. When I turned 21, my boyfriend at the time gave me a gun. In his family, it was a family tradition that you received a gun as a present when you turned 21. He gave me a little Walther P22. I love it because he got a special hand grip so it isn't so hard for my little hands to grip it.

Sam was ecstatic to go out and shoot. He has been in awe of gun for quite some time now. He is a typical 6 year old boy. He loves Whips, Guns, Bugs, etc ...

We did take some time and went through ALL of the rules when handling real guns. He got it and realized that if he didn't follow the rules that we wouldn't allow him to shoot. Here is just a quick video of him shooting. I didn't take too much because he really liked my gun (not as much kick back), so I ended up helping him for quite a bit shoot my little gun.

It was a really great day out shooting. I wouldn't mind going out again. One thing nice about being out in Heber is that we can just walk up the hill behind our house and there is a little shooting range. We just get busy with other things going on and don't make the time to go target practicing.

New Facial Wash

I've been meaning to blog for sometime now. But I have felt like I have been running around the Wasatch Front & Back for the last 3 weeks, like a chicken with it's head cut off ... So I finally took a few moments to blog.

A ton of things have been happening the last 3 weeks since I was laid off from Mountain Reservations. But this post is not going to touch any of it at all ... This will be a fun girly post.

One nice thing about going down to Cruise and Travel Masters is that I get to see and talk to all my up to date friends more about new "products" that are out. One of my girlfriends, Debbie, is very into Herbal Remedies ... but not is a freaky hippie way. She was telling me that she started washing her face with Baking Soda & Apple Cider Vinegar. And that she had been having really great results with it. Then she said that she wanted me to try it for a few weeks and see if it solved any of my facial problems, because everyone knows I have horrible skin.

I looked at her like she was crazy and think I told her she was crazy (in a loving way) and then began to think about it ... what could it hurt? I have already tried EVERYTHING else out there for something that would clear up my skin.

So I went out and bought some Apple Cider Vinegar (the Organic non filtered kind ... specifically) and started washing my face with Baking Soda & Apple Cider Vinegar.

I am still using my face wash to get my make up off my face. Then, I put about a tablespoon of dry baking soda in my hand and add a little bit of water to it so it makes a paste. Then smear that all over my face and rince it off. Once that drys more, I then put a few drops of Apple Cider Vinegar on a cotton pad and run it over my face. After that has dried, I then put some lotion over it.

And amazingly enough, my face looks pretty good. It hasn't cleared up completely, but I'd chalk that up to being hormonal because of that time of the month and under major stress caused by jobs.

Maybe we'll see in a few weeks when the hormones have subsided how it is working.

Being Laid Off Because Of My Blog

A little birdie told me today that it wasn't totally the current economic conditions, like it had been implied to me, that is the reason why I was Laid-Off. The little birdie told me it was because of my Blog. I totally just got Dooce'd. (For those of you who don't know who "Dooce" is, she is a really great writer that got laid off from her job because of her Blog. Now she actually had made a really good living writing on her Blog.)

Here's the thing. It totally doesn't matter. I really don't care the "reason". I'm sure there are thousands of reasons that are going thru their head. And their reason is because I was too open with writing on my Blog that I was looking for other jobs. Well, I have been looking for other jobs. And I write it because it has to do with what is going on in my life.

So I just think it is funny.

I had some really great interview today. And I really look forward to seeing what comes out of them. For now, I have another interview tomorrow and then I am heading into Cruise and Travel to pick up those calls and get some money in.

Being Laid Off

I've only been "Laid Off" a few times in my life. One was when I was working at American Express, but only as an intern. I knew the day was coming and when it did, it wasn't a big surprise at all. The other time was after the Salt Lake Olympics in 2002 and Toby, the owner of VIP Business Center, had to close her doors. I remember when and where I was when she called me. I had taken a few weeks off after the Olympics ended to get back into a normal pace. I don't remember where I was coming from, I just remember I was on my way to my Sorority House. I was coming off of I-15 on the 6th South Off Ramp and she called. She said that she had to close the doors to the Business Center. That it was no longer being profitable. That layoff I was devastated with. I loved working at the Business Center and I had put so much of my time and energy into it. But I somewhat knew something might happen and just before I took a few weeks off, I went up to the Salt Palace and told them to keep me in mind of any job opportunities and to keep me in mind. Smartest line I ever said to anyone. They called me up and I immediately took over the Business Center when the Salt Palace took it from Toby.

With Mountain Reservations ... you know I haven't been happy. I've been looking for jobs ... somewhat. Not as hard as I should have been looking for them. Not as committed to looking for them as I should have been. Again, I had this whole thought in my head of, I'd stick it out through the winter and make good money and then take the layoff in March after the season is over. Then I would be able to go back to working for myself. Well, apparently that isn't going to happen the way I thought it is going to work.

I got the "talk" today, the one line: "Hey do you have a minute to talk in the Conference Room?" I said yes and walked in. They continued to say that I am being let go because of the economy. That they have to do a "Company Wide Cutback" and because of this I can at least take unemployment. (I think I might just to have the money coming in ... who knows, its a new experience.)

But it isn't like I was blind sided by this. After I finally got off my butt and started looking for jobs, I got 4 interviews. 3 Tomorrow & 1 on Wednesday. So wish me luck ... I'm off to find a new job.