A Little Sad

I'm feeling a little bit sad today. Some what not in the mood to write anything. Its 9 o'clock and I'm almost thinking of just calling it a night and going to bed really early. Or finding a book to go read. The problem I have is I don't have any novels in this house. I haven't read a novel in a while.

A lot of things have somewhat hit me all at once today. I talked to Scott last night about having a baby. It didn't go as well as I thought it "should" have. In my mind, it was going to go something like this:
Me: Hey babe, I've been thinking.
Scott: About what?
Me: I've been thinking about that I want to have a baby with you. I want to get my IUD out.
Scott: I totally agree with you, I think you should call and make an apt first thing in the morning. And lets do everything in our power to make sure we conceive a healthy baby. I'll support you in running and maybe even join you some mornings, and we should all stop drinking soda's, and I'll cut down on my coffee in take also.
Me: Oh that sounds so wonderful ... I love you!
Scott: I love you to!

In reality it went something like this:
Me: Hey babe, I've been thinking.
Scott: About what?
Me: I've been thinking that I want to get my IUD out. I want to start trying to have a baby.
Scott: When.
Me: Soon.
... Long Pause ...
Scott: There is a lot of things we need to talk about and resolve before we have a baby.
... A little shorter pause ...
Me: Like what?
Scott: Finances are one of the major things.
... Long Pause again ...
Me: Oh ... OK
... Long Pause, I think I start to hear Scott breath very heavily as he is falling asleep ...
Me: We can talk about it later.
Me: Good Night. I love you.
Scott: Good Night. I love you too.

And just so you know, I may have not picked the most opportune time to start a discussion about expanding our family. We had just gotten back from a long weekend trip to California to see family, where we were running around and seeing family and people we hadn't seen in a while. We had just finished ... you know ... playing around in bed, and I think I've seen studies that men's brains shut down right after they have sex. And it was really late, it was after midnight. So there were a few factors happening all at once that probably didn't help my "enrollment conversation."

And today I feel total incomplete about the conversation. I've been wracking my brain all day trying to figure out what to say, what to do, how to make more money to make Scott happy, just anything. I'm feeling stuck right now. It isn't a good feeling. I've been on the verge of tears all day and right now they just over flowed and started streaming down my face. And I am so totally scared to even approach him to tell him I want to continue our talk. Maybe I'll just put it off until we are on our way to Vancouver on Wednesday. I don't know.

Money isn't where I want it to be, I agree with him there. I'll be the first one to admit it. I am not making the kind of money I was making last year at all. I've made bad mistakes. When I went independent for Cruise and Travel in November last year, I actually did really well for myself for that one month until I took the job at Mountain Reservations. Then I came into Mountain Reservations when it was a good time and made some good money until March. We went and got married and came back and ... shit ... The ski industry is closing up for the summer and no one is buying ski vacations right now. Then another shit ... the economy turns to poop and no one is still buying ski vacations right now. Um, not what I was planning on at all. And my income right now is coming in waves. High sometimes and Low the rest.

Scott & I have talked heavily about getting back to Cruise and Travel, but how do I do that when if I left Mountain Reservations right now, I wouldn't have a good paycheck for probably a few months, since I would be totally on commissions (and they come in after people travel).

I don't know. They are just all thoughts that are rolling around in my mind. I think the best option would to stick with Mountain Reservations but figure out a way to start transitioning back into Cruise and Travel Masters.

I have to keep remembering that when I took the job with Mountain Reservations that I took it only as a temporary job. It was only supposed to bring in some extra income for a while.