The Truth & Totally Scared

I started this post last week and it has taken me a long time to actually format it and finish writing it. I hope that it all makes sense and doesn't upset anyone.

When I did Landmark 2 years ago, I remember sitting in The Forum and listening to my Landmark Forum Leader talk about "looking bad." That as humans, we don't want to look bad. In my mind, it was a physical look of looking bad (hair done badly or your not wearing the correct clothes), or an embarrassment. The Landmark Forum Leader was not at all talking about the physical aspect of looking bad. He was talking how when we do something, we hide what we did, either by telling lies or just not telling the truth. The not wanting to look bad because we did something we shouldn't have. I could not get my mind around the concept of looking bad. It has taken me a really long time to fully understand that concept. And a lot of times I still don't get it, or just don't want to get it.

I've done things that I am not proud of in my life. There is no one to blame except for myself. I try and blame other people a lot for it. I blame my amazing, wonderful husband whom I love dearly, I blame my Mom, my Dad, Sam, Tracy, my schooling, friends, work, the economy, the weather ... the list goes on. I blame because I get sympathy. I blame because I can be the victim. I blame because I get to make people wrong for things.

The blaming gets me things that I want in life. I want to get sympathy. I want to be the victim. I want to make people wrong for things because then I get to be RIGHT. I get to complain. There are a lot of other people who like to complain also (they are my "complaining buddies") and there are people who can not stand me complaining (they are my "true friends").

But it doesn't get me what I really want in life. It doesn't get me that baby that right now I really want to have. It doesn't get me that family that I so cherish. It doesn't get me the career that I have always wanted and the income that I know I can make. It doesn't get me the relationship with my husband that I know we can have.

The post I wrote last week was me blaming Scott for a lot of stuff that I have done that I am not proud of. I am sorry babe, you have done nothing to deserve that. And that was me, just being a victim.

The biggest thing that has made the most impact on my life is money. I am horrible with money. I don't know what it was but sometime in college, I stopped reasoning with the whole concept of managing money. I completely stopped being responsible with my money and my life. I didn't want to be responsible for my life. I liked it when boyfriends would pay for things. I loved it especially when my parents paid for things. And I found that in order to not have to be responsible for my life, I just wouldn't manage my money. But I still wanted to have the appearance of having it all together. I still wanted to look like I had money. Because if I had money, that meant I had it all together. And that was a good thing because guys only wanted to date girls who had it all together.

I have given Wells Fargo, literally THOUSANDS of dollars in overdraft fee's. Thousands of dollars. Throughout the years I could have gone on a really nice cruise with that money I have given them. Or I could have put a really nice down payment on a really nice car.

I came to find that, if I became overdrawn, I could just go to my Dad or Mom and tell them this sad story about how I had been a victim of something and my account was overdrawn. It was never my fault. That check I wrote ... "they" hung on to it and didn't deposit it for a long time. And I forgot about it and overdrew my account. Just another way for me to avoid responsibility. In all reality, I would just buy things in order to look like I had money, in which that would make me look like I had it all together.

I kept telling myself that I wouldn't let it happen again after that last time, but it did. I could just keep going to my parents for help. I didn't have to be responsible.

Well now things have changed. I got married. And I can't go to my parents for "help" anymore. And Scott isn't at all interested in "carrying me". Everything has caught up to me. I am now having to be responsible for my life now and it scares me. I am wanting to start a family. I have no idea of what kind of responsibility it takes in order to be a Mom. For someone to totally rely on me for everything. I can't just not be responsible for my own children.

The being responsible part, is the part that really scares me. I do know what I am capable of creating. I am capable of creating amazing things in my life. Amazing businesses, that would set my family up financially right. But I have been too scared to do that. Because, what if I fail? That would look bad if I fail.

But here is the thing now, I can't be scared anymore. I have a husband, a step-son, and a future family who are relying on me to be responsible for them and their interests. It isn't just financially also, it is to be totally there for them and their needs. And I need to find a way in order to do all of that without being scared. Man, how do Mothers do it? How do Fathers do it? That is a lot of responsibility. I have so much respect for them.

So here is where I am at right now. Mountain Reservations is not producing what I need right now. I have heard for the last 6 months, "just wait ... next month will be better ..." to have next month suck as much as the last. I can not rely on Mountain Reservations. They have proven that they are not credible in what they are saying. My cruise sites, I have not taken the time to get those working in a way where I am able to rely on them as income. What my new plan is to stay with Mountain Reservations but push as hard as I can, my personal travel business. Adds are going to start going in the Park Record and the Wasatch Wave. And I am going to start working that more.

I don't know what the outcome will be. But when I succeed, I will be where I want to be. I will have the most amazing family. And the most awesome career. And I will love my life. It will be fun.