Confessions

I have definitely been neglecting my blog ... for all really "good" reasons. I keep thinking of things to write and different things to do or I talk myself out of it and just go to bed.

Tonight though ... I have a lot on my mind and I feel that the only way to sort thru this all is to write. So even though I don't have hardly any readers on this blog anymore, especially since I haven't blogged on it since March, I hope that this post might help someone in a new relationship and know what NOT to do.

I have had a problem. There is no one to blame except for me. I could try blaming my parents, or because my Mom didn't breast feed me long enough (I'm kidding Mom), or the moon's alignment and the tides, but all of those are still more reasons and irrelevant.

When I met Scott, 3 years ago, I was in a horrible position financially. And the only people who I knew that really knew about it were my parents and maybe my brother. The only reason why I really let my parents know about it was because my Dad was on my bank accounts with me and he would see what was going on with them every time he logged into WellsFargo.com. I spent every cent that I ever made and then some. It cost me a lot financially. And it cost my parents a lot financially also. This was a position I was very ashamed of. I really wanted to portray to everyone that I could do this thing called finances on my own. Even though, I really was failing at it horribly.

When Scott and I got serious, he like any other guy that I had dated, asked me how much I made. I told him I made $75000 the last year. I might have made $75000 since I was 18 years old. I admit that this was a lie to get him impressed by me. For him to think that I was actually a hard working person and had my life in order for only being 24 years old. And I never thought that the relationship would ever work out. But again, those are all excuses and irrelevant. And one of my first mistakes.

Fast forward a year and a half later, we are married and fresh back from our honeymoon. And really that is where the honeymoon ends. I come to a fast reality that I can not keep my finances from my new husband. So I start to tell him some of my financial problems and the Credit Card debt that I have. I tell him I can not keep my bank account in order. We talk about all of my overdraft fee's, he tells me once that he never wants to see those again. And I chose to not listen to him. I again start spending way to much money and again go into the negative with overdraft charges. He again finds out about them and tells me to never go into the negative again. I again do it. This time though, I remember it. It was because I went to Old Navy and bought him a few shirts for Father's Day in 2008. Because of that choice I went in to the negative again and had overdraft fee's. Those $10 or $15 dollar shirts ended up costing me like $100 or more dollars. He said that the best Father's Day gift I could ever give him would be to never have overdraft fee's again. And the honest truth is that I haven't had one since July of 2008.

As for the debt though, when we first had that discussion, I chose to only tell him some of the debt. When we got married, I had 3 credit cards. Two Wells Fargo cards that were totally max'd out and a Capital one that maybe had $500's on it. Since the Capital One card didn't have that much I owed on it, I figured that I won't tell him about that one. I could pay that one off without him knowing. And that wouldn't look as mad because I was only confessing I had 2 credit cards and not 3. When we were going thru my online statement, he saw that I had made a payment to Capital One and asked why. Now he finds out even more lies because I have now hid that one from him.

With all of these lies, I have to think of him as a Saint for not kicking me to the curb on the first or second time around. He is such an amazing man and here he is thinking he has married someone just as hard working as he is and in reality he find out I am totally the opposite.

Landmark tells you that you create your life. I created this life and it is not the life that I want. When I was little, I thought that the first year of marriage would be all this fun and games with love and creating a home together. Except, mine isn't all fun and games. I go to work and work hard to bring a paycheck home. I do something that I enjoy but it isn't my passion. I do it because right now, I know I can't make as much money in my passion as I am making right now. And the money I am making right now is going to pay off my bills. They are all burdens in my life. They are big rocks that are keeping me from doing things and having things I really want to have in my life.

Lying is the thing I am the most ashamed about and I did it because I didn't want to look bad. Now I look bad and I have lost my husbands trust. Talking tonight to Scott, he asked me how he will know when he can trust me again. My normal reaction to that would have been, well you can trust me now. And in the past there was still more "stuff" out there that was hiding. Its funny though, I don't know how to answer him when there really is no more "stuff" out there. Everything has been revealed.