The Truth & Totally Scared

I started this post last week and it has taken me a long time to actually format it and finish writing it. I hope that it all makes sense and doesn't upset anyone.

When I did Landmark 2 years ago, I remember sitting in The Forum and listening to my Landmark Forum Leader talk about "looking bad." That as humans, we don't want to look bad. In my mind, it was a physical look of looking bad (hair done badly or your not wearing the correct clothes), or an embarrassment. The Landmark Forum Leader was not at all talking about the physical aspect of looking bad. He was talking how when we do something, we hide what we did, either by telling lies or just not telling the truth. The not wanting to look bad because we did something we shouldn't have. I could not get my mind around the concept of looking bad. It has taken me a really long time to fully understand that concept. And a lot of times I still don't get it, or just don't want to get it.

I've done things that I am not proud of in my life. There is no one to blame except for myself. I try and blame other people a lot for it. I blame my amazing, wonderful husband whom I love dearly, I blame my Mom, my Dad, Sam, Tracy, my schooling, friends, work, the economy, the weather ... the list goes on. I blame because I get sympathy. I blame because I can be the victim. I blame because I get to make people wrong for things.

The blaming gets me things that I want in life. I want to get sympathy. I want to be the victim. I want to make people wrong for things because then I get to be RIGHT. I get to complain. There are a lot of other people who like to complain also (they are my "complaining buddies") and there are people who can not stand me complaining (they are my "true friends").

But it doesn't get me what I really want in life. It doesn't get me that baby that right now I really want to have. It doesn't get me that family that I so cherish. It doesn't get me the career that I have always wanted and the income that I know I can make. It doesn't get me the relationship with my husband that I know we can have.

The post I wrote last week was me blaming Scott for a lot of stuff that I have done that I am not proud of. I am sorry babe, you have done nothing to deserve that. And that was me, just being a victim.

The biggest thing that has made the most impact on my life is money. I am horrible with money. I don't know what it was but sometime in college, I stopped reasoning with the whole concept of managing money. I completely stopped being responsible with my money and my life. I didn't want to be responsible for my life. I liked it when boyfriends would pay for things. I loved it especially when my parents paid for things. And I found that in order to not have to be responsible for my life, I just wouldn't manage my money. But I still wanted to have the appearance of having it all together. I still wanted to look like I had money. Because if I had money, that meant I had it all together. And that was a good thing because guys only wanted to date girls who had it all together.

I have given Wells Fargo, literally THOUSANDS of dollars in overdraft fee's. Thousands of dollars. Throughout the years I could have gone on a really nice cruise with that money I have given them. Or I could have put a really nice down payment on a really nice car.

I came to find that, if I became overdrawn, I could just go to my Dad or Mom and tell them this sad story about how I had been a victim of something and my account was overdrawn. It was never my fault. That check I wrote ... "they" hung on to it and didn't deposit it for a long time. And I forgot about it and overdrew my account. Just another way for me to avoid responsibility. In all reality, I would just buy things in order to look like I had money, in which that would make me look like I had it all together.

I kept telling myself that I wouldn't let it happen again after that last time, but it did. I could just keep going to my parents for help. I didn't have to be responsible.

Well now things have changed. I got married. And I can't go to my parents for "help" anymore. And Scott isn't at all interested in "carrying me". Everything has caught up to me. I am now having to be responsible for my life now and it scares me. I am wanting to start a family. I have no idea of what kind of responsibility it takes in order to be a Mom. For someone to totally rely on me for everything. I can't just not be responsible for my own children.

The being responsible part, is the part that really scares me. I do know what I am capable of creating. I am capable of creating amazing things in my life. Amazing businesses, that would set my family up financially right. But I have been too scared to do that. Because, what if I fail? That would look bad if I fail.

But here is the thing now, I can't be scared anymore. I have a husband, a step-son, and a future family who are relying on me to be responsible for them and their interests. It isn't just financially also, it is to be totally there for them and their needs. And I need to find a way in order to do all of that without being scared. Man, how do Mothers do it? How do Fathers do it? That is a lot of responsibility. I have so much respect for them.

So here is where I am at right now. Mountain Reservations is not producing what I need right now. I have heard for the last 6 months, "just wait ... next month will be better ..." to have next month suck as much as the last. I can not rely on Mountain Reservations. They have proven that they are not credible in what they are saying. My cruise sites, I have not taken the time to get those working in a way where I am able to rely on them as income. What my new plan is to stay with Mountain Reservations but push as hard as I can, my personal travel business. Adds are going to start going in the Park Record and the Wasatch Wave. And I am going to start working that more.

I don't know what the outcome will be. But when I succeed, I will be where I want to be. I will have the most amazing family. And the most awesome career. And I will love my life. It will be fun.

The Country Bumpkin Got A Puppy

Our neighbor the Country Bumpkin has been fairly quiet lately. We don't mind it when he is quiet. It makes our life easy. Even through the whole week long process it took for the city to repave our street, he was quiet. It was nice!

On Saturday though, things changed a bit. I was planting the Iris's we bought in Boise, ID and making our yard look nice again after the road construction. Scott & Sam were in the driveway building a new skateboard ramp for Sam (the old one was totally ghetto and falling apart).

Along came Country Bumpkin's original dog "G" and right behind it was this cutest sweetest looking little puppy. This black and white little puppy "M" with one dark colored eye and one blue colored eye. I could take this dog and cuddle with it all night. Looking at it broke my heart.

Well the "G" knows he isn't supposed to be in our yard. So I told them to go home. "G" took off running. The cute little puppy "M" just stood there and whimpered. And some what timidly started to come towards me. I told it to go home again and it came towards me again. I could obviously see where this was going, so I gave up and put my hand down, it immediately came up to me and I started to pet it. He wouldn't let me get too close, I was my arms length away from it. But it got so excited it peed itself. (Poor Puppy)

Right then, Miss. Country Bumpkin came running up looking for her new puppy, she called its name and it went running back to her.

Last night, I got home from work and went almost immediately into the yard and started working on the garden. I finished and went inside and started to cook dinner. I happened to walk into the office to ask Scott a question and happened to notice two dog looking figures in our garden. Standing on one of the berms. I opened the front door and told the dogs to "Go on ... Get out of here ..." "G" ran off back home. "M" kind of stood there but does get out of the garden when I yelled at it. He starts to do the same thing it did earlier. He starts whimpering and slowly walking towards me.

Scott yells out the window to go take the dogs back to the house and tell the Country Bumpkin Family to get their dogs out of our yard. They are not allowed in our yard. We have just planted a bunch of flowers and want it to stay nice. So I did and the whole time I am walking up to their house, I am shaking. I don't want this to be a big deal. I just want the dogs to stay out of the garden. I knock but I think the TV is turned up too loud so no one hears the knock. I finally find the door bell and Mrs. Country Bumpkin & Miss Country Bumpkin come to the door. And I tell them:
Me: "Hey your dogs were in our yard again. Is there any way you can keep them out of it? We just planted a bunch of new flowers and I don't want them disturbing them."
Mrs. Country Bumpkin: "uhhhhh, ya sure" (Yells at the dogs and tells them to come in, then shuts the door)
I'm sure that this conversation is going to make all the difference in the world. I bet that the dogs are going to be in our yard again.

The thing that is bothering me is with the cute sweet little "M" puppy. I am not dumb and I can tell that this dog has been beaten by the way it acts. What should I do? Do I call the animal control and tell them that I "suspect" that this dog has been beaten? I don't have any physical proof of this. I haven't seen any bruises on it. But his mood is just off. And I do not want to cause a Neighborhood War. That would be horrible. The Country Bumpkin already hates life and I couldn't imaging how much he would hate us if we took away Miss. Country Bumpkin's little puppy.

New Travel Experiences

Scott & I have been traveling quite a bit lately. Our latest trip was to go see my Mom get married up in Vancouver, BC. Jon, her new husband, (I guess technically he is my Step-Dad now) and her decided to get married on a Cruise Ship. Apparently they picked one that made it very difficult for people to go on them with. They wanted to go on a 2 week Alaskan Cruise. Since they pretty much knew that most normal people couldn't just pack up for 2 weeks and go on a cruise, they decided that they would get married in Vancouver, BC so that everyone could fly up for the wedding on the Cruise Ship and then fly right back.

Scott and I decided to have some fun with the wedding and try something different. We booked our flights into Seattle, WA. There are wonderful perks about being a Medallion Member with Delta and one of them was being upgraded to First Class. It didn't matter too much, we didn't get a meal. Pretty much the only thing we got was larger seats, which is always a plus.

Once we got into Seattle, we took the bus (Public Transportation), which I have to say was pretty cool. We got off near Pikes Place and found a cute little place to eat Lunch and then walked in the rain to the Ferry Station where we took a Ferry from Seattle to Victoria, BC. We then sat through 3 hours of a 6 year old totally playing mind games on her parents and winning. Oh ... she was good at it. She has her parents totally wrapped around her finger.

After that we hopped into a Taxi who drove us to another Pier where we missed the 7:00pm ferry from Victoria to Vancouver by about 10 minutes so we had to wait for the 9:00pm ferry. We ended up getting some fairly cold pizza and watching the Olympics on TV for a while.

We got on the Ferry after I ewwwed and awwwed at how BIG this ferry was. It was 4 levels, the first level you could fit Semi Trucks on it, like multiple trucks deep and wide. The 2nd level is where all the cars and trucks went, and the last 2 levels is where the people hung out. We found a somewhat quiet place to sit. The room was a little cold and the boat looked like it had been used quite a bit. We started talking to a very nice gentleman who informed us of the public transportation that we "could" take to get to our hotel. This is the point that we had our first and only tift of the whole trip. I admit, I was by then very tired. We had had a horribly long day of traveling. I was cold and I just wanted to get into the bed at the Hyatt where we were staying. And I was totally PMSing at that moment.

After I "let go" of my argument, we arrived in Vancouver, then took the public transportation into town and encountered many strange people. There was one guy who was on the ferry with us that decided his music was too goo to just keep to himself and he kindly shared it with everyone else. It was like 1980's modernized. He was carrying around a boom box but it was one that you could stick your iPod in it. And at least he was playing fairly good music. He then got off at one of the first stops. We then were fortunate enough to encounter a group of girls who could have been a woman's sports team (I think) that was out for the night and totally drinking. They were all having a good time.

We arrive at the hotel about 12:30am and I am so happy to be in our hotel and on a nice soft bed for the night.

The next morning is when the wedding took place. I'll talk more about the wedding in another post. All I have to say is Thank God that both Scott & my brother Pete, were in good moods. It made the day go by so much more smoothly.

After the wedding, we took Vancouver's "Sky Train" to the Amtrak Station. We hung out for a brief moment and then boarded the train. We took the train from Vancouver back down to Seattle.That was actually our best part of the trip. Amtrak was a perfect way to travel. We had these great reclining seats, going through Customs was a breeze, and there was food we could buy. (TIP: If you are wanting to buy food on board buy it early. Do NOT wait.) We also got to see the most amazing sunset.

When we got off the train, we took the public transportation back to the airport and then called the hotel's free shuttle bus to come pick us up. We stayed in a really cheap hotel for the night that was somewhat creepy but, you get what you pay for right? It was only for a few hours, then we hopped on an early morning flight back to Salt Lake.

This trip was definitely strange. I didn't grow up riding on buses or public transportation. I was fortunate enough to live close to all my schools and only rarely took the school bus home with friends. And we never took the public transportation. That was always something people did that didn't have money. (This was part of the tift that we had on the ferry.) The trip had me break though a lot of things. I got through it. And even though I had horrible pictures of people jumping up with gun in their hands saying to me, "Hand Me Over All Your Money, NOW!!!" that didn't happen. Most everyone on the buses were mostly quiet and kept to themselves. It was pretty cool.

Hang Tight

I am writing this really great blog post but I am only about half way done with it. We are leaving in just a few minutes to go up to Vancouver for my Mom's wedding so I don't think I will have the time to finish writing it until after we get back.

But when it is posted it will be a really great one.

Have fun and I'll also post about my Mom's wedding.

A Little Sad

I'm feeling a little bit sad today. Some what not in the mood to write anything. Its 9 o'clock and I'm almost thinking of just calling it a night and going to bed really early. Or finding a book to go read. The problem I have is I don't have any novels in this house. I haven't read a novel in a while.

A lot of things have somewhat hit me all at once today. I talked to Scott last night about having a baby. It didn't go as well as I thought it "should" have. In my mind, it was going to go something like this:
Me: Hey babe, I've been thinking.
Scott: About what?
Me: I've been thinking about that I want to have a baby with you. I want to get my IUD out.
Scott: I totally agree with you, I think you should call and make an apt first thing in the morning. And lets do everything in our power to make sure we conceive a healthy baby. I'll support you in running and maybe even join you some mornings, and we should all stop drinking soda's, and I'll cut down on my coffee in take also.
Me: Oh that sounds so wonderful ... I love you!
Scott: I love you to!

In reality it went something like this:
Me: Hey babe, I've been thinking.
Scott: About what?
Me: I've been thinking that I want to get my IUD out. I want to start trying to have a baby.
Scott: When.
Me: Soon.
... Long Pause ...
Scott: There is a lot of things we need to talk about and resolve before we have a baby.
... A little shorter pause ...
Me: Like what?
Scott: Finances are one of the major things.
... Long Pause again ...
Me: Oh ... OK
... Long Pause, I think I start to hear Scott breath very heavily as he is falling asleep ...
Me: We can talk about it later.
Me: Good Night. I love you.
Scott: Good Night. I love you too.

And just so you know, I may have not picked the most opportune time to start a discussion about expanding our family. We had just gotten back from a long weekend trip to California to see family, where we were running around and seeing family and people we hadn't seen in a while. We had just finished ... you know ... playing around in bed, and I think I've seen studies that men's brains shut down right after they have sex. And it was really late, it was after midnight. So there were a few factors happening all at once that probably didn't help my "enrollment conversation."

And today I feel total incomplete about the conversation. I've been wracking my brain all day trying to figure out what to say, what to do, how to make more money to make Scott happy, just anything. I'm feeling stuck right now. It isn't a good feeling. I've been on the verge of tears all day and right now they just over flowed and started streaming down my face. And I am so totally scared to even approach him to tell him I want to continue our talk. Maybe I'll just put it off until we are on our way to Vancouver on Wednesday. I don't know.

Money isn't where I want it to be, I agree with him there. I'll be the first one to admit it. I am not making the kind of money I was making last year at all. I've made bad mistakes. When I went independent for Cruise and Travel in November last year, I actually did really well for myself for that one month until I took the job at Mountain Reservations. Then I came into Mountain Reservations when it was a good time and made some good money until March. We went and got married and came back and ... shit ... The ski industry is closing up for the summer and no one is buying ski vacations right now. Then another shit ... the economy turns to poop and no one is still buying ski vacations right now. Um, not what I was planning on at all. And my income right now is coming in waves. High sometimes and Low the rest.

Scott & I have talked heavily about getting back to Cruise and Travel, but how do I do that when if I left Mountain Reservations right now, I wouldn't have a good paycheck for probably a few months, since I would be totally on commissions (and they come in after people travel).

I don't know. They are just all thoughts that are rolling around in my mind. I think the best option would to stick with Mountain Reservations but figure out a way to start transitioning back into Cruise and Travel Masters.

I have to keep remembering that when I took the job with Mountain Reservations that I took it only as a temporary job. It was only supposed to bring in some extra income for a while.

Thoughts In My Head

I took a few days off from blogging because we headed out to California to see family out in the Bay Area. I think the few days off has totally congested my head because now it is full of different thoughts and ideas to talk about. I'll try not to make this long ... I'll probably break the thoughts into more manageable posts. I think that would be a better idea.

But here's just a preview of what is rolling around in my head. All of Scott's family lives out in California. We made it a commitment to go out about every other month to see his parent's and siblings. And so far we have been really successful. Sam absolutely loves going out there. He just adores all of his cousins. The reason why we went out this time was a very special reason. Scott's Parent's on August 16th - 50 years ago - got married. 50 years ago! Can you believe it? That just blows my mind. I think it is so wonderful. To see a couple with each other for such a long time and they still have so much love and respect and admiration for each other. I'll go on more with the actual even later on.

One thing that actually always gets me when we go out there is just how warm and friendly they are ... our family I mean. I just feel so loved and welcomed every time I meet someone new from his family. It is catches me off guard so many times and I treasure every minute of it. So different than what I had growing up some times.

I want to start a family. I think I am ready. I want to talk to Scott soon about getting my IUD taken out. I think I'll talk to him tonight ... why am I so nervous to talk to him and tell him I want to take the IUD out?

My Mom is getting married this week. I will definitely elaborate more on my thoughts that are in my head about the marriage. I really wish I knew the guy, John, more. It bugs me that he "doesn't like us" because of the stuff that I write. My writing is my writing, it is just my thoughts. Ya, I don't like it that he bought her wine. And if it is true than he can come to me and tell me the reasons why he did it. If I had an explanation, I'm sure I'd be more receptive towards him.

Well, that is good to get a start. I'll elaborate more on all of these little topics this week. I'm off to bed, it was a long weekend and I am SO looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.

I Learned Something Today

Did you know that there is an Olympic Sport called Horse Dancing or Equestrian Ballet? Neither did I. But apparently there is.

A girlfriend I work with told me this. I totally didn't believe her, so I Googled it. And this is what I found:

I truly got a kick out of this video. I think the seriousness of the judges and how they talk about just how amazingly wonderful this is.

I think though that it actually is a pretty cool thing to think you can train a horse to perform like this. That is what is really cool.

Success

I wrote a few weeks ago about failure and my feelings around not feeling like I would ever in a million trillion years be able to run the 2.5 miles in our neighborhood. That I was destined to always be a walker for exercise.

Well guess what ... (I bet you can guess) ...

I DID IT

I ran the WHOLE 2.5 miles WITHOUT STOPPING ...

Totally ... WITHOUT STOPPING!!!

Seriously ... isn't that the coolest thing you have heard today? I know, you are so proud of me also.

I did have some friendly competition (I'm not sure she knew it at the time though). My Sister-in-Law and Niece were driving across country, to get my Niece back to University of Nebraska for school and needed a place to crash for a night. Sue, knew I have been trying to run and offered that next time we were out in California that we should go for a run. Well, she beat me too it by a few days so we went for a really early morning run this morning.

Even with the October temperatures in August, and her running at 5600 ft (Sorry Sue ... it isn't 7000 ft ... Scott told me tonight it is really 5600 ft.) we did great together. We ran the whole 2.5 miles without stopping once.

Its amazing what you can do when you are running with someone and talking (well talking through gasps of air) instead of listening to that little voice in my head.

Here's to running that 2.5 miles faster now!

Fire Down The Street From Us

It is so funny how oblivious I feel sometimes about what is going on right around us.

Apparently there has been a fire burning down the road from our house, for now almost about a week. Granted, it is about 15 miles down the road from our home and with the kind of terrain, it is highly unlikely it will ever get to our house, so there is no need to worry about that. The fire is down near Bridal Veil Falls in Provo Canyon.

A couple days last week, I saw this very strange looking helicopter at the Heber Valley Airport. I asked Scott what it was one night and he said, it is possibly being used at Sundance or another Ski Resort for putting new lift poles in. I really didn't think about it any more.On Friday Night, Scott & I spent a lovely romantic date night at Costco. When we were driving down Provo Canyon we saw the fire on the mountain. To us it looked like it had just started. We were in shock that it was burning on the side of the mountain. On the way back up it was amazing to see. Some of the embers has started to fall down the side of the mountain and created this amazing tiered fire cascade effect. Sunday Afternoon, we were driving back from hiking in the Uinta's and as we looked across the Heber Valley, we could see a huge plum of smoke. I asked Scott if he thought that it could possibly be the same fire. And he said it possibly could and that he thought it would be fun to drive down Provo Canyon after dinner to go see the fire.When we got down Provo Canyon, near the fire, it first was just incredible to see a fire this size, so up close. The fire was very high on the very steep mountain side. We later found out that the fire started in a really old restaurant that was on the side of the mountain. One of the only ways to get up to the restaurant when it was working (15 years ago) was by tram. Well an avalanche took out the Tram, so they just closed the restaurant. And it has sat Vacant for 10+ years. The fire totally destroyed what was left of the restaurant and some of the hill side. Crews thought the fire was contained but then the winds picked up and picked up the fire again.Because the fire was so high up on the mountain and on such steep terrain, the only way they could put it out was with that funky looking helicopter that had been flying around our house for days the week prior. We are pretty sure that the fire is out now. But it was still amazing to see it so up close. I want to take another drive back down Provo Canyon to go see the damage that was done.

Motion Sickness

When I was in Grade School, there wasn't anything I could do to upset my stomach. Ride at the local theme park didn't faze me ... twirling around in circles didn't even make me blink. It just wasn't a problem. That has totally changed as I have gotten older.

Scott & I had Sam for literally 2 hours on Saturday. We saw that the Heber Valley Fair was going on in town, so we thought it would be fun take Sam for a few minutes. That afternoon, I wasn't sure what was going on, but I ended up with this nasty headache. I was thinking it could have been I had been out in the sun all morning and really not eaten too much. So I ate a little bit of lunch and then took some Tylenol and laid down for a bit. Scott was concerned a bit and did ask him if I felt well enough to go to the fair. But I was being optimistic and said yes, thinking that the Tylenol and getting out would take my mind away from the headache.

We got to the fair and the first thing we did was watch Sam on the Super Jump. He surprised all of us with his ability to do back flips and front flips.

We then went over to the GRAVITRON. This was something that I used to do all the time at our local Theme Park when I was a kid. It was so much fun. If you don't remember what it is, it is this ride that doesn't have any seats. You get in it and lean against the wall at maybe a 45 degree angle. The Gravitron starts up and starts spinning around at super high speeds. High enough speeds that your body is literally sticks to the wall. You do have enough movement that you are able to change positions and if you are fast enough, you can even turn all the way upside down.

The ride wasn't that bad. There definitely were some thoughts of, "Shoot, when is this going to stop?" going through my head. But Sam was having a blast. I told him it would be like being Spiderman but his days of Spiderman are slowly diminishing. He really wanted to be live Ironman. I think the ride operator ended up giving us an extra long ride. The absolute worst part of the ride was how hot it was inside the ride. It was one of those things where we got off the ride and welcomed the 90 degree temperatures outside and it felt wonderful.

I wasn't feeling too bad after the Gravitron, but I was definitely sweating more than I wanted to. And Scott told me that his neck wasn't feeling as limber as it was when we walked into the ride. It provided a great neck muscle workout.

We then went on the Sizzler, another twisty turney ride. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it except for we all squished into one car and the guy turned it on. We started twirling around in circles and Scott got totally squished by both me and Sam. Poor Scott.

After that ride, I started to feel a little bit queezie. But not wanting to be a party pooper, we got on one last ride. It was in the kiddie section of the fair, so I thought I would be totally safe. I don't remember the name of this ride. It was exactly like the Tea Cup Ride at Disneyland, but in Strawberries. It was enclosed, except for the little tiny door area of the ride, which made it hot ... and Sam wanted to spin fast. We got spinning and about 30 seconds of spinning fast, my stomach reached about the level of my chest area. And I told them they needed to stop spinning. I was very close to jumping up and showing everyone the Ham Sandwich I had for lunch.

I couldn't believe that I was getting sick on the kiddie ride. I felt so embarrassed. Luckily I didn't loose my lunch but I was so thankful to be home after that, so I could relax and get my bearings back. We couldn't get home soon enough.

Still Didn't Do It

So I still didn't go running this morning. I had Scott set the alarm for 6:30am. I thought, I told him to set it for 6:30am when I was totally asleep. I think I sat straight up when he came to bed and told him this elaborate plan that I was going to get up at 6:30am and go running. And then I fell back asleep and had a strange dream that Scott's ex-wife Tracy came into our house and loaded our dishwasher, which we hardly ever use.

Well the alarm actually went off at 6:15am. In my sleepy mind, I told myself that I had plenty of time (15 minutes) to go back to sleep until 6:30am.

So that NEVER works for me. I can't ever tell myself to wake back up 15 minutes later. I woke up at 6:50am. Decided that I need to be in the shower at 7:15am to get to work by 9am, so there just wasn't enough time to go running. So I fell back asleep until 7:20am, then got in the shower and still was late by 5 minutes getting to work.